To help you understand what you will receive with a basic critique, here's a sample from an actual critique, but with identifying information removed, including character names.
This was a particularly long critique of a manuscript that needed significant work. Your critique may be shorter if your work does not need as much change.
Critique: TWS
Author: SB
The book shows a great deal of imagination but lacks several essentials of fiction writing. The raw materials are present if the author will master the skills of a novelist. As it currently stands, the material is not publishable. The basic concept is useable but must be reworked before publication will be an option.
As the various pieces are polished and added, the manuscript will most likely grow too long for a single book. The author should consider planning a trilogy rather than a single title. This book does leave the door open for a sequel, but enough material exists for more than one book once it has been rewritten.
Conflict
Conflict is what
drives a story forward. In this story the main conflict is within the main
character, which makes him hard to access for the reader. A does not know
who he is or what his purpose is. While this is a common early teen issue, the
story needs external conflict between characters or between good and evil or
something to push the story forward.
The lack of a clearly defined struggle between good and evil is a major failing. The reader gets glimpses that S is not a good person, but nothing indicates his dedication to evil. The adversaries along the way are not strongly shown as servants of evil. Their appearance would indicate this, but they are also defending their territory. The continual references to a past rebellion are all that point to a struggle between good and evil, but this is not strong enough to give a sense of an ongoing battle.
Plot/Pacing
The plot consists
of a variety of loosely connected episodes. The story needs to have a compelling
sense of purpose underlying it even if A doesn't know what it is. As it
stands, events occur without seeming to relate to each other or build on each
other. The author may want to lay out the book's plot in a series of scenes and
work to connect those scenes together. Consider what the story arc is, how
conflict and tension build to a final climax, though smaller climaxes may occur
before the final one.
The pieces fall
together too neatly, without any real tension. A always figures things out
or he happens on what he needs to help him.
The storyline
needs a clearer sense of quest. A is going on a journey, but the journey
does not have a clearly defined goal until well into the book. Consider classic
epic fantasy. Frodo must take the Ring to Mount Doom. The children must reach
Aslan in Narnia and defeat the White Witch.
Sa has a more
specific goal, as she knows she has to find A. He, however, does not have a
distinct sense of purpose until well into the book. G's initial
instructions are very vague and primarily talk about "it."
The piece with
A's grandfather feels thrown in. He obviously loved his grandfather and
mourned his death, but the remembered scene and his occasional memories
throughout didn't seem to serve a purpose, unless it was so that S could
make him think of his grandfather. This doesn't seem to be a compelling enough
reason for A to have trusted him immediately, nor does it tie in the
thoughts of his grandfather enough.
The scene in the
town with the swords seemed a bit too Harry Potter, like a derivation of the
wand choosing the wizard. Nor did it seem to serve a purpose. A doesn't get
anything but frustration from the fact that he can't lift the sword he's handed.
While he receives that sword later, the significance of the earlier time isn't
clear. Nor is it clear what would make him ready and what did change so he was
ready when S gives it to him later.
Choice is
emphasized as a theme but neither character seems to make any choices. Primarily
they do whatever is in front of them and follow whoever happens to be leading.
This aspect needs to be worked into the storyline more
strongly.
The breastplate
may have been intended to flow with the armor in Ephesians, but instead with the
jewels and yarn evoked that of the high priest. A warrior's breastplate would
have been metal. Jewels are allowable but optional.
A decided to
lie to S because it seemed to be the "best thing to do at the time." While
he might indeed have made a poor choice with that, the way it is presented seems
to reflect situational ethics.
How did Sa end
up on the ground for S to capture at the end?
What is the point
with the repeated idea that time is an illusion? Time was created by God, who
exists outside of it. Time is not an illusion.
What is the idea behind seeing? It seems to be a gift born into someone, yet one that must be nurtured to grow. The limits and abilities were not clear, especially for something that played such an important role in the plot.
Characters
Overall the
characters are not strongly drawn enough for the reader to identify with them.
A being a genius may be a stumbling block for readers, as most will not be
on that level. Therefore his struggles seem to come out of something that the
average reader can't identify with.
Several points
about A did not seem to fit. If he truly is a genius, then why would he be
attending a regular school? Socialization is not a strong enough reason to force
someone with a genius mentality into the boredom of staying with work that is
too easy for him. His parents are criminally negligent to force him to stay at
an age based grade level rather than skip grades or home school or find some
other option.
A wishes
he'd be allowed to skip grades and get to college where he could learn something
interesting, but then he hates the extra work the teachers give him. Skipping
grades would require more and harder work, so this does not flow logically.
The reader finds
it difficult to understand what's happening with the voices, to the point of
considering the possibility that he might have ADD or even borderline autism,
where the brain can't handle the overload of input. The discovery that he
belongs in T does not correct this until the very end, at which point a
reader may have stopped caring.
A seems to
be too easily led. He accepts everyone he sees, befriending S without a
second thought. He also seems to suffer from "Nancy Drew syndrome" where
whatever he needs he just happens to have studied. His abilities are
inconsistent. He learns something new, like being able to move himself to the
wall in the cave, but then he doesn't use that on the cliff or on the jetty when
it would have been useful.
Though A
learns new skills, overall he does not appear to be changed by everything he has
gone through. The voices in his head are explained, but his basic character does
not appear to change. A character should always change through the
plot.
Sa/N's
age does not work. Most strongly, this would make her far too young to be
allowed out alone as she remembers. The author's statement that she was given
freedom despite her age does not convince. Further, she and K feeling
uncomfortable with who they are and not wanting to follow their parents' choices
for them doesn't flow at such a young age. This is a dilemma few preschoolers
encounter or comprehend.
For the most part
Sa reads as an empty-headed spoiled brat, which does not make a reader feel
any sympathy for her. At eight she is still too young to behave as maturely as
she needs for her role. A commonly accepted facet of children's literature is
allowing children to make the decisions and do things that normal children would
not. If she stays at age 8, she needs to behave differently. She can still show
some of the normal behaviors of a child her age, but her participation needs to
be believable.
Consider making
the two characters twins or at least bring her closer to A's age. A truism
of children's books is that children will read up but not down. Therefore, if
the series is intended for 8-12, the younger children will be happy reading up
to a higher level. Having one character at each end of the target age is not
necessary.
Sa also goes a
bit much to the "fairy tale princess" side of things. Male readers will probably
not enjoy or accept this at all. While learning that you are a princess is most
little girls' fantasy (The Princess Diaries) becoming this kind of princess
isn't working that well. Pick up a copy of the Eldredges' Captivating and
read the chapter on "warrior princesses." Consider reading the entire book, but
this chapter may open other possibilities for Sa than just sweetness and
light.
Why did
Sa/N throw the helmet? She couldn't possibly have thought she could get
it on A's head, and his approach would not lead her to believe he would
stop and put it on. The action made no sense.
When A first
sees G, he is only described as a "beast" which gives the reader little
information. The fact that he is a winged horse comes later, after the reader
has already begun to wonder how many legs it has, what it resembles, and what
kind of head it has as it looks at A.
All of the
creatures in the P seem to be too closely derived from Earth creatures, only
with more features. Consider creating either more fantastic beasts or leave them
as less fantastic. At the moment they read a bit more like a science experiment
gone awry with multiple legs and such where they shouldn't be. Borrow from
classical mythology or other sources if necessary.
Why did V
banish himself rather than seeking the king's forgiveness? Unless he is a Judas
figure, this does not flow well. If he is intended to be a Judas figure, then
this needs to be played up more. Failure, as it is portrayed here, is not the
same as betrayal.
Who is the king
intended to represent? God the Father? God the Son? He seems a rather nebulous
figure in the series. The overall history of the family and country needs to be
developed.
The setting has
little detail and needs better description. Use specifics instead of
generalities. In A's first glimpse of the P, he sees trees. What kind
of trees? What colors and shades? All trees touch the sky, some just further up
than others. How can they be described better?
Jack Cavanaugh
once recommended that a novelist think through a scene with all five senses. The
writer may not use all of that information in the written portion, but he or she
will have a better idea of the setting, and this will creep into the author's
writing.
T overall
seems rather vague. The reader is not left with a strong sense of how the
different areas are laid out, how big they are, or how they are related to each
other. The author may consider drawing a rough map of the country for reference,
with the sections laid out. Developing this behind the scenes will probably
translate into stronger description in the written
portion.
T also does
not seem to have a set of rules. Every fantasy world needs to have its own
characteristics that are consistent within it. They do not have to conform to
our world, but should demonstrate continuity within itself. Things seem to pop
up without rhyme or reason. While this may appear to be the case for either
A or Sa, the reader should have a sense that everything fits together
within T even if they don't yet understand it.
When Sa enters
the picture, the scene shifts strongly into a fairy princess world. While this
is wonderful for her, it makes the setting seem inconsistent. T can have
both elements, but they should be better integrated. A does see beauty in
the P, but Sa sees little besides that. The two parts need to come
together so that T feels like a real place.
Writing Style/Voice
The first rule of
fiction is "show, don't tell." The author tells us this story but rarely shows
it to us. Point of view is poorly handled and frequently descends into
"head-hopping" from one character to another. Dialog is minimal and not used to
carry the story forward.
To help show
instead of tell, think in terms of short scenes, and who says and does what in
each scene. Instead of "he felt tired," think of how to show he was tired. How
does his body respond because he's tired? What does he do because he's tired?
Does his speech change because he's tired? Show the reader so that he or she
draws the conclusion that the character is tired without being told.
A variety of
grammatical and punctuation errors mar the work. In particular, pay attention to
compound words and when words should not be made compound. No one is two words,
not one, for example. Look up "lie" and "lay" and learn the conjugations and
when to use each.
When ending a
piece of dialog with speaker attribution following, a comma ends the speaker's
sentence, not a period. The period follows the end of the complete sentence. All
sentences in a single character's dialog go within a single set of quotation
marks. Each sentence is not enclosed in a set of quotation
marks.
Much of the tone
of the book is modern and slangy with phrases like "off his game" and "flying
blind." Most fantasy has a more serious tone or at least one that does not bring
things back to our world so strongly.
Plagued is not spelled plaqued.
When we meet A, he's eating breakfast
with his sister, but shortly thereafter his mother yells upstairs at him. How
did he get upstairs? Normally breakfast rooms or dining rooms are
downstairs.
A doesn't want to write a composition
because it makes his hand hurt. He has a computer. Why doesn't he type
it?
At places the manuscript still has "my" and
"me" rather than non-personal pronouns.
A had written a paper on codes but he
couldn't organize a basic English composition. This didn't
flow.
Sa jumps out of bed following Y and
then leaves without dressing or eating breakfast.
Why didn't the king have any reason to
believe that anyone would betray him? That indicates a certain naivete. Too,
shortly afterward, despite the previous statement that he didn't expect
rebellion, he saw it coming and hid the white stone.
S's abilities don't seem to be
consistent. He can read all of A's thoughts sometimes but other times he
doesn't understand him. He does not seem to have a clear-cut set of strengths or
powers. Rather, his abilities change according to what he needs to do or not do
at any particular time in the story.
S tells A to put the shield away
and thinks that A doesn't need it because the power of his mind would be
enough. However, earlier he'd wanted it himself because it would have increased
his own power and he even hopes he can take it from
A.
In the desert, the rain came down in sheets,
immediately followed by wind that blew the dry ash. After rain the ash would
have been wet.
Check to see if P changed genders, from
female to male.
"Her majesty" is normally used for a queen,
but is used for Princess N at one point. "Her highness" is the form of
address for a princess.
How can Ne be a princess if Sa and A were the Queen's only children? Not only that, but their mother was the only sister of the king. Of what is she a princess?
Learn point of view. The manuscript as it stands does not have a clearly defined point of view. It most closely resembles omniscient, in which a narrator tells the story. Statements like "little did A know" or "he would soon come to realize" indicate that someone outside the story knows and is speaking to the reader. However, this does not give the author license to jump into character's heads at will. Editors refer to this as "head hopping."
For omniscient to work, the author must develop a clear narrative voice. The narrative may still mention what different characters think or feel, but this is limited and not the main way the reader understands the characters.
The primary downfall of omniscient is that it can distance the reader from the characters because the story is being told outside of them. In excellent omniscient, the reader will be drawn into the story as a whole, which is its strength.
More commonly, authors may choose either single or dual point of view, in which the story comes from one or two characters' perspectives. In some ways this is limiting because you can only state what your character sees, hears, knows, or feels. In other ways it allows the reader to see deeply into one or two characters because we "live in their skin" so to speak.
Choose a particular point of view and work to implement it throughout the story.
Consider the possibility of removing any tie to our world. As the story progresses, the fact that A and Sa came from our world into T fits less and less. The idea that they came from T originally into our world works even less. In the end, the idea that they cannot yet stay there though they have been crowned king and queen again reeks too strongly of Narnia. Consider letting go the similarities to Narnia: that the children come from our world and cannot stay in their true country.
Lewis had a theological reason for making this the case. Only a son of Adam or daughter of Eve could rule Narnia, as humans were the pinnacle of God's creation throughout the universe. To keep this element, there needs to be a reason and something that ties the worlds together as the wardrobe eventually did in the Chronicles.
A more reasonable fantasy solution would be to have them flee or even be kidnapped into another fantasy world nearby and then be returned to T. This allows for a sense of being something more than is allowed in their current environment - as they are and always have been prince and princess - without the ties to our world which begin to feel forced. This also leaves room for identity struggles if they've been raised elsewhere without knowing that they are royalty.
The end scene was unclear, with recording names in the Book of Sight. Is this salvation for them? If so, then the book clearly puts forth a perspective where one can lose his or her salvation since some names disappear. While many Christians hold this belief, such a clear statement of it will most likely not work, as most publishers attempt to reflect generally held, non-specific, evangelical beliefs. Further, then the book would seem to endorse the idea that salvation comes without conscious decision as sight is something born in both main characters and which they have been using before this time.
While the term "salvation" would be out of place within the book, the concept should be there somewhere. The characters need a sense of allegiance to something outside and beyond themselves, whether they begin with that or come to it later.
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